The Trap I Set For You Seems to Have Caught My Leg Instead

I need to start playing shows. I've been writing constantly for the past couple months--and some of these songs need to be taken off of my shoulders. They're depressing. They're disturbing. Sometimes I'm scared at what I write.

I wrote this song about a man being hanged for murder--and then realized it was all an allegory about my experiences from the past six months. And while I didn't exactly commit murder, the story still follows very closely all the things I'm ashamed of doing. Here's the chorus:

Let me die in slumber
Send your hope to someone else
I only wish you'd notice
Just how much you have helped
Don't watch me now, Maria
It'll only hurt you more
See me led out quietly
Above another door

I guess I just never knew what a toll the constant jealousy was taking on me. Eventually, I got sick of it and just gave up. This song is called "Another Door," but there are so many others that need to be heard by someone other than myself. A song called "Sounded Just Like Fire" chronicles that period of horrible depression and loneliness--where I had one person who seemed to take a reasonable interest. "Crescendo / Decrescendo"--as most of you know--was what pulled me through the months of November and December. Sometimes I play that song when I'm alone--as loudly as possible when no one else is home.

I recently wrote a song that I've been calling "This'll Take All Night." Very Gaslight Anthem-y, but I add my own story-based spin. It mostly helped me deal with my dependence issues and where they stem from--and how I don't want my children to wind up like me.

My songs are so self-deprecating. It hurts to see those words in my notebook and know that they're true, but part of the process of writing should be realization. A realization that what's been written is meaningful and expressive--and that's how I've been feeling since late October.